Her

There was once a time I would lay up at night
Wondering what my perfect women would be like
I thought of characteristics and physical features
If I got her how would I treat her
If she wouldn't open up her mind, how would I read her
If I were to tell her i love her, would my words reach her
But I love the fact that she's a mystery
Hopefully falling for you would prevent me from getting injury
Cause for her, I would carry the cross to my own crucifixion if
It would help her have more faith in me
And I could die on that cross and you could bury me in a tomb,
And I would rise on the 23rd hour just to prove,
I could not live a day without her.
It’s funny how sometimes I compare my nights to her
Cause every star in the sky aims at the moon
And in my eyes I'm that shooting star who'll get there soon
So when I find her, I won't let her go so easily
Everything we do is between me and you, so I'm sworn into secrecy
For her, I would count every star in the sky,
And find the one that most resembles the look in Her eye
When we share our moments together and I'm trying to decide
Exactly how to tell you, that you are the "Her" I've been looking for
And Her love got me feigning more than any drug at the convenient store
I told myself I should fight it but now I'm willing to go to war
Hoping these moments are just then beginning, and there’s more to explore
Cause at the end of the day, if I have Her then i don't need much more
For her, I would mark every second of the day after every time we part ways
Just to tell her that’s it’s been exactly 52,364 seconds since I got to say
That I love you, and hoping that you feel the same way,
Because for Her, there’s nothing I won't do,
I'm painting your toenails, drawing the little details
Holding conversations through, texts, tweets, and emails
Taking the password off my phone cause I don't have anything to hide
Letting you win arguments, because I'd be willing to set aside my pride
For her, I would be willing to go to war with anyone who doubts us
Because us being in our own little world just means they don’t know anything about us
They would see how happy we are and wanna crowd us
And I would laugh at you when I see you try to act tough
We would be secure in each other because we have trust,
And we have Us, and I have Her
And now I know after all this time I've been living my life backwards
And now i can proceed to move forward
Not having to worry about feeling cornered
Because she has my back, and I have hers
Knowing that we can handle anything that occurs
If I had Her in my life I wouldn't need to mislead
Other women who don't compare to Her,
When I try to think about past loves it’s all a blur
Forgetting those who don't hold a candle to Her,
And knowing what I have now, I prefer
And it’s funny the more I think about her
How I would love and never doubt her
How Her beauty blooms like the most beautiful flower
And how I don't ever want to be without her
I spend all this time wishing for her
But the only thing missing is Her.

What If You Knew...

Sometimes I used to think about walking away from it all
Despite all that I've accomplished sometimes you just hit a wall
Forgetting about the falling and rising it took me to get here
But let’s be clear, you couldn’t judge me on my worst day
I've felt like a winner in situations and still didn’t come in 1st place
Yea, I'm doing ok for myself now, but what do you know about my struggles
What do you know about trying to juggle 3 jobs and a fulltime student status
Thinking you can take it all on, but having that contribute to your madness
What do you know about going days not having any food in your fridge
Being too proud to reach out, pretending your friends fell of the grid
What do you know about not having any family to turn to
No support system to see to it that you can make it through
What do you know about growing up not knowing if you mom is dead or alive
Creating these fake images cause you never seen her with your own eyes
What do you know about witnessing your father doing drugs
Beating you, and torturing you because that’s how he shows “his love”
What do you know about having to wear the same clothes everyday for a year
Having to take the verbal abuse at school and pretend like you don't care
What do you know about being put through child services
Feeling unwanted at the same time as all this anger surfaces
What do you know about not having a roof over your head
Sleeping on the floor cause some group homes didn’t have any beds
What do you know about being homeless, yea you see them on the streets
But what if you knew that used to be me,
What if you knew I was that kid starving from not eating in days
What if you knew I was that kid abused and having to live life afraid
What if you knew I was that kid getting kicked out of school for not having good grades
What if you knew I was that kid everyone wanted to stay away from because he couldn’t control his rage
What if you knew all this, would you still look at me the same?
But yet we judge others and are so quick to throw dirt on their name
Assuming we know, but don’t even know about the background from where they came
But it’s true, the past can change you
Having nobody there in my darkest hours taught me to rely on myself
Having no food or shelter taught me how to provide for myself
Having no material items taught me how to appreciate my wealth
And after going through all that I can say is that, I'm proud of myself
Because I see people lose it over something so small
Thinking if they were me they wouldn’t be able to survive at all
I try to laugh to catch my anger, but I know
Not everyone experiences a life changing struggle
Not everyone can turn out different from a life full of trouble
But not everyone is meant to,
God gives his hardest battles to the strongest soldiers
And I'm thankful cause for years I've carried this weight
But now I can finally lift it off my shoulders
I made it this far, I still have a long ways to go
But I just wanted to tell you about me,
For all those people who think they already know...

Lesson Learned The Hard Way

I needed time, you needed love
You thought we should wait for sex, I thought we should rush
You thought I was what you needed, I told you don't try your luck
Didn’t think your emotions would get so involved, but then you got caught up
You wanted to protect yourself and I could understand that
But telling a man that, when we have our needs
It only gives us means to look at this as a challenge
And though this was far from a game to you
I thought it was interesting to see how much I became to you
The games I played, hearts I broke who knows what was the real cause
I mean when I was younger I believed in true love
And I've been through what I'm causing you don’t think I haven’t
I know what it feels like to have your heart broken into fragments
I've had a mountain dropped on my heart and watched it all shatter
I've had my heart on a sleeve and had it treated like it didn’t matter
I've put my all into someone and let their love change me
And had that same person turn around and play me
And though that's no excuse for my actions
All I can do is apologize to you
I had to learn the hard way, so we all go through it.
You loved me on the first night, your intuition even told you not to do it
You told me that you really liked me, I laughed like I was surprised
Then I held you close and stared you deep into your eyes
I and began to reciprocate a bunch sweet replies
But deep down every word of it was probably all a lie
People may ask why, but back then it was beyond my comprehension
Maybe I did it to release all that pent up tension
Maybe that was my way of trying to teach you a lesson
Or perhaps I just wanted to lead you on with some false affection
The games I played, hearts I broke who knows what was the real cause
I mean when I was younger I believed in true love
And I've been through what I'm causing you don’t think I haven’t
I know what it feels like to have your heart broken into fragments
I'm not perfect, and even when I try to love again
I come across the wrong one and I'm back at square one
I go up, love goes down, I go left, love goes right
I swear I'm looking for it, but why does it seem to be so out of sight
Since then I been keeping my heart guarded with the thickest armor
Maybe its karma,
But I swear some of these women could have pierced through it if their words were
any sharper
They say a weak heart hurts others, When the L word was thrown around I took cover
Ducking and dodging, and though I been hiding
The truth remains, I was scared.
Scared of that mountain, like a running back being hit so hard for the first time
Scared of losing those pieces, like my contacts just fell out of my eye
Scared of trying again, like that person who's failed his permit test 9 timesS
cared of having to tell people I’m good, when that’s really all just a lie
The games I played, hearts I broke I know what was the real cause
I've been hurt before when I truly believed in real love
And I've been through what I'm causing you don’t ever think I haven’t
I know what it feels like to have your heart broken into fragments
And even now, I'm still looking for those fragments.

A Hate Poem

Man do I hate you,
And the fact that you can make me hate you
Makes me hate you so much more
I mean I gave you my all and you still asked for more
I told you I loved you and you still treated this as a chore
Like it was something you had to do but really didn’t want to
As if I'm the nigga whose holding you back
Remember the days you used to blow up my phone to hear my voice
Remember that?
Remember when you used to cook for me when I got home from school
Remember that?
And now I'm wondering what happened to that girl and where she's at
Because it does in fact appear that you’re different
When i started to care you seem to have gotten a little distant
But what you SAY and what you WANT are two different things
I gave you what you SAID you wanted but what good did that bring
I mean you complain more than ever and I hate you more than ever
But saying that makes me look weak, cause the truth remains
I wanna go back to the days when you made my heart beat
But that shit is a wrap, after all I've seen too much to go back
I seen you turn from that sweet girl to a ratchet bitch
And i hate using that word but right now, it fits
“When we were together we never turned our backs on each other,
And now that we're separated we can’t stand one another”
Avant spoke the truth in that song
We reached a point where we can barely get along
Logic doesn’t seem to help and I can’t fix this shit by myself
So I guess that means I let it go, and if I want some sex I'll let you know
“I only came here for two reasons”, that’s for your love and you loyalty
I miss those days where you used to spoil me
I mean I ain’t never have that shit growing up
So you taking care of me made it easy for me to open up
But nowadays people put on a front and change once they get comfortable
Damn, look what the fuck this is coming too
Me writing hate poems, while you send hate texts
Me saying I'm done with you, while you saying not yet
Then me ignoring you for days thinking it’s done, it’s over with
Then you popping up out of nowhere, even when I said I quit
It’s hard to take my own advice and sometimes I wish I could go back in time,
To the day when we first met, and just walk away with no regrets
Cause what our relationship amounted to was a bunch of bullshit
You did this and you did that, we both are wrong but we never wanna admit.
We talked about Love Pains and how those seem to hurt
But with all this anger I feel towards you now, I know this will never work.
So this is closure.
All those fighting to make it work days are over, and I proudly handled it like a solider
You may not have been the one for me,
But thanks to you now I know for sure that I'm getting closer.

Love Pains

You used to make my heart throb, now you make my stomach turn
Could of took the bitter route but it’s just another lesson learned
You used to brighten up my days, now I can’t stand the thought of you
We used to be so close who would have thought we end up like this
Convinced, we knew what love was but you don’t blame love for this
I mean could love really turn people from friends, to lovers, then to enemies
I mean I would have settled for you just being friends with me
But love pains make it hard to see you as a friend to me
Love pains take my consciousness and turns it to self-consciousness
Convinced I was the cause of this, destroying all of my confidence
But even love has a consequence
And we all hate to admit it,
But love can get the best of us and change our lives within minutes
I mean it’s complicated explaining it
A guy like me tries to run away from it
Having prior heartbreak experience scares me to put my faith in it
They break parts of the heart and leave with parts of the soul
Invest so much time and love and that that damage takes its toll
So when we are finished I'm left with half of a whole
Funny how quickly something new can become something old.
What do we gain from love pains,
Nothing more than feelings of being deranged
Days of never ending rain, and I swear every time I hear your name
I just want to go insane, but instead I refrain
Maintain my composure and hold my emotions back
Love pains seems to be the cause all of that
Love pains, love cries, love hurts, and love dies
But why, won’t these pains just go away
They say hurt people, hurt people
And the fact that I look at you as equal
Reassures that one mistake can pierce you like a needle
But love must go through pain as well
Seeing so many marriages and relationships fail
So much, people taking others for granted and betrayal
It seems like love would work when there’s winter in hell
But optimistically, there’s always a possibility
The best moments of love seems to always lie in history
But still have the same chances of getting your heartbroken
The pain of giving your all and having it all stolen
Hurt is inevitable and love pains can cause it
But with the right love in your heart you can guard it
Otherwise you can’t expect someone to love you, it won’t work
So always remember to love yourself first.

Letter To My Younger Self

Dear Malcolm,
I wanna write to you, don’t be confused
Just listen, don’t be amused
I know you're young but these are some tools
You can use to make sure your life turns out better
And I know right now you’re feeling like you’ll live forever
But sometimes being reminded that you’re only human can save you
Not trying to debate with you, just trying to reshape you
Who am i?
I'm the person who's been catching each and every one of your tears
I'm the person who held you through all of your fears
I'm the person who watched you grow through all of these years
Confused much?, cause right now you’re saying "there was nobody there"
But let’s be clear, you had me and I was always here
All you ever had was me so i just want you to know
Don’t ever feel like you are alone
I wanna give you some premature warnings of some things you didn’t know
And make sure you make the right decisions when you’re feeling low
Some of your biggest mistakes are saying Yes when you wanted to say No
And I know you don’t have many friends and holding on to them is important
But those people will walk all over your and all that anger will lie dormant
You bottle it up inside and though your shy, no don’t lie
We both know your shy, the quiet guy who keeps to himself
That’s you, scared to interact, that’s true
But keep this in mind that you, have potential
Even though people don’t see it, In you, don’t let that be the reason its goes to waste,
You’ll realize it one day, but why not a sooner date?
You feel like the bad guy, everyone turns their back on you right?
Well what better feeling then to succeed when they’re not watching
It’s alright, everyone already thinks your plotting, always with such a serious face, and a mean face.
But when they turn back around they will be looking at a man
A Man they didn’t know existed inside of you Malcolm, its true
For I am you, I know your pain, your fears,
When you cry, how many tears, when you'll mature, how many years
But the purpose of this is, not to spoil your future, but to make sure you
Keep all those goals intact, I know your goals, you have talent
And if you don’t let anyone bring you down or through you off balance
Let’s just say you eventually managed to take the proper path
Even though you hate school Malcolm, you’re a genius when it comes to math
Even though you're quiet guy, you have a gift to make people laugh
And I'd tell you to stop acting an ass, but who am I, I laugh more
Than anyone else do.
Class clown in high school, but the biggest achievement is that honor roll you made
Remember those days when you wanted to give up, this goes to show that you can accomplish anything,
Turn your past around and chase any dream,
my advice to you is for you to be proud of yourself and build your self-esteem,
Walk with your head held high and always aim for the sky,
That shy guy will no longer be you one day but don’t rush it
Your first love, loved you for it, but not to get off topic
I just want to tell you, all those days of being bad for attention
Will help put you on the right direction
Cause without some light and dark you couldn’t see your reflection
Who you are is what you make yourself to be
And though you have a rough road ahead of you
You'll eventually become Me.

PS Don't skip school during finals week on those half days when you turn 16. Trust me.

If I Could Do it Over..

If I had I chance to do things over I know I would take the time,
Analyze my mind for all my painful memories that i might need to find
It may not be the easiest thing to comprehend,
But for all my broken relationships throughout my life
this would give me a chance to make amends.
If i had a chance to do things over, where would i start?
Well the first thing would be to find a way to get rid of this pain i had in my heart.
I wish I was able to confront my mother when I first met her,
Ask her why she left and did that choice make her life any better.
I wondered for years thinking how I would get my mouth to start talking
And eventually it left a hard spot in my heart that will not soften.
Because of her I was never taught how to live with affection,
So most of my relationships were based off my erections.
And i know it may sound bad but if i had a chance to do it over,
I would definitely treat them much better now that I've grown and I'm older.
Sometimes I wish I could go back in time
to when I was living with my father,
And make sure I was strong enough to deal with him
when the drugs turned him into a monster.
I wish I could go back and build a stronger relationship with my brother,
At the end of the day we were all each other had
not being able to grow up with our mother.
I could wish and wish forever to change things or to mend things,
and sometimes I pretend things didn’t affect me the way they really did,
But if i could change some things it would have to start from when I was a kid.
I could wish and regret all I would want to,
But the truth behind it is that I’m glad i went through.
Because if I wasn’t going through those tough times
could i really have turned out the way i am now?
If I didn’t have anything growing up and I were to go through the same struggles
Would I really know how?
They say if it doesn’t break you it builds you and the fact that I’m here to,
means I made it regardless of the situations i was faced with.
I could regret things, and I could wish to change things,
but the butterfly effect is too great a risk,
And could possibly jeopardize how I grew up and not ending up like this.
So I’m thankful for my past I know it happened for a reason,
I been through hell and back and luckily I managed to conquer all my demons.
So I intend to give up on looking back to my past with regrets.
Even though I suppress some things,
I'm thankful cause in the end it all contributed to my success.